Ikigai

I was having one of those mornings this morning, on a Saturday, when everything in my life just seemed wrong. Nothing, and I mean nothing, seemed right. It is truly one of the most difficult feelings/experiences to have because it is up to you and you only to change your mindset. And what works for one person may not work for another. So it takes going through these meltdowns and figuring out what it is that works to get you out of it.

So for me, I let myself cry. I let myself feel all the feelings and then I picked myself up off the floor cuddled next to my bedside table in my bathrobe and started doing things with my day. I cleaned the apartment and my living space which actually did wonders. I felt more clear. I then turned on my audio book which is by Roxie Nafousi about the power of manifesting. Amidst my spiral I realized how much time I was spending filling my down time with mindless and useless activities. Like scrolling Instagram or online shopping. So out those apps went. Deleted off of my phone.

Part of this meltdown stemmed from and uncertainty of what I want to be doing. I went through a cycle of blame, shame, and disappointment. While cleaning the apartment and listening to my audiobook I tried to pinpoint where this was coming from. The fact that I was crying meant that it was a buildup and I actually just needed to let things go. First thing being, other peoples expectations of me. When I was in high school my identity (to myself) was pleasing others. I would feel satisfied and accomplished in life if I knew other people thought well of me and what I was doing. In other words, I was making every decision for myself based on other people. Not once did I make a big decision for me. As a result, I lost touch and am just now learning to think and act out of my own accord. Seems crazy, I know, but this is where I am. I am learning to make decisions because it’s what I want for me.

Which brings me to the title of my post: Ikigai. After cleaning and got myself up to my 1030 Solidcore class. Which after a good sweat did leave me feeling better but not great. I took a long walk home, stopped by Whole Foods to grab some lunch ingredients (refuel post class), got home and hopped in my sauna blanket (thank you @higherdose) for 45 mins. The night before I also used my sauna blanket and scrolled the internet/instagram for 50 whole minutes as I sweat out toxins. I opted for something different post meltdown. I turned on a meditation on Open. Manoj titled this 10 minute meditation: Ikigai. This term is a Japanese word meaning “a reason to live“. In other words: your life purpose. And it’s all about just finding what you love and using your life to do as much of that as possible.

There is no rulebook to life. There is no one who is going to get your life right. All the coaches and teachers and dietitians and friends and even family can tell you what you should do but deep down in your heart of hearts you know that you are the only one capable of knowing what you want. And it takes being able to tap into that which makes it difficult sometimes. Because there is all this noise of those people telling you their opinion or what has worked for them. And it takes tools and techniques to be able to sift through the noise, pick the pieces of information you find valuable, then write your own story.