The Long Winding Healing Journey

A journey, long long long journey, of healing, has been the story of my life the last year.

Really the awareness of wanting to heal and realizing something was wrong was when the deep healing journey began. I have always been a relatively aware and conscious human, even when I didn’t quite realize it I always could recognize that there was a feeling inside of me that let me know if something felt right or wrong. Did I always listen to it? No. And one of the biggest lessons being sick/out of my body has taught me is that my body knows best, and every signal it fires is firing for a reason, and the most important thing I can do is to listen and act accordingly. This took years YEARS to finally sink in. I thought for so long if I could white knuckle my way through certain situations, oftentimes ones that would reappear over and over, that I would reach the other side of the rainbow.

Well I am here to say that for me, reclaiming my intuition was step one of actually healing, mentally and physically. I could go on and on about the list of societal expectations that have been engrained in me over the years. I probably will and if you stick with being a part of this community it will all unfold. But for now what I want to share is that deciding you want to get better and really accepting that it takes deep hard work is the first real step, and crucial step. The mindset shift has been everything. It’s not easy, and I cannot overstate that enough, it is absolutely not easy. I used to read and listen to other people’s stories and healing journeys, often from the points of view of having solved a health issue of sorts. And it is a lot easier to focus on the good than on the bad. The fact that they are healed and their life is everything they want now. But what about the in between? What about all of the days you are on the floor crying because you can’t understand why this is happening to you or can’t see a world in which you are living a healthy and happy life?

Well, let me assure you, I am right in the thick of those on the floor crying moments asking myself when will it get better.

That’s kind of why I want to start sharing my healing journey. My deep deep healing journey, because I haven’t found someone who I have related to who is sharing the in between moments. I am sure there are people out there, and I respect wholeheartedly that not everyone wants to share while they’re going through the ugly bits, but I have this gut feeling that this is a tool to help me heal. Writing out into the ether. Is anyone reading this? Who knows! But it is a platform for me to be so honest and so vulnerable that it feels cathartic.

So for a little background, here’s where I stand. I am a twenty four year old girl who recently moved to LA. Born and bred in NYC. I love both places for so many different reasons and for the season of life I am in right now, LA is exactly what I need and want. Sunshine, mountains, ocean, yoga community, fresh food, raw real honest talks with friends, meditating, hugs, new faces, drives up the coast, drives down the coast, just all new and completely different. For the last seven years at least I have dealt with some version of a stomach issue. I’ve seen doctors of all kinds. Been on treatments of all kinds. Everything from miralax to a water fast, I have tried so many things and let myself be guided by so many people, too many people in retrospect. I have learned so many lessons, but haven’t been able to digest those until recently. The impact these people have had on me for better or worse will stick with me. Without diving too much into the past, I want to get to where I am right now. Because in my opinion, it’s starting to get good.

In my time in LA I have established a relationship with an acupuncturist who has helped me eliminate a bacterial infection which has opened a world of possibilities for the food I can eat again. Hello dairy! I haven’t had parmesan and not felt sick to my stomach afterwards for years. Well, the honey nut parmesan toast from Botanica in silver lake is absolutely out of this world. Insane. Must try. And as great as the world of unrestricted dining is, I still wake up feeling like something is off. Cue my other imbalances.

My hormones are my other work in progress. Yes, I can’t heal my hormones without having addressed this bacterial infection. Our bodies are so smart and they send resources to the area in the body that is calling for help the most. Well, for the better part of the last ten years, my body was screaming to help aid my digestion. So that’s where the resources went. Meaning, I couldn’t even begin to address the hormonal imbalances without properly fixing my digestion first. So digestion is stronger, much much stronger, and now I can start focusing on why my luteal phase is only five days, at best, long.

And here is where my other practitioner comes into play as well. Alongside my acupuncturist, I also have had the wonderful chance to work with an amazing physiotherapist the last few weeks. And he echoed a similar tune to my acupuncturist, albeit with more data and physical tests. My body is fatigued. I am tired. Which makes all the sense in the world as I have only been getting guiltily close to six hours of sleep since moving to LA. I wake up early for work and sometimes find myself not drifting off to sleep until later than I care to admit.

So what I am currently working to cultivate is an environment where my body and my nervous system feel SAFE. Because then I can ~relax and get some deep rest, even when not in my sleeping state. So for me that looks like eight hours minimum of sleep, reading before bed (no screens), and making sure I eat at least two hours before bed. That coupled with my sessions with my physiotherapist where we do PEMF work, compression boots, sound therapy, where I truly feel seen, heard, and cared for. The name of this wonderful magical center is called Mocean. They have offices in both of my homes LA and NYC.

The last thing that has completely changed my life since moving here, aside from all of the wonderful friendships I have developed, is learning Vedic meditation (also known as Transcendental Meditation or TM). Putting into my own words what this practice means to me is still something I am working on but I highlight recommend checking out my teachers website to learn more about it. She is one of the most amazing humans I have met and so grateful to be able to call her a friend. But, for the momentary lack of better words, this practice has allowed me to develop a state of being where I can truly take in all those magical moments that I get to experience.

So, ultimately, one of the biggest lessons my healing journey has taught me is that you are not alone and there is no shame asking for help. It was impossible for me to white knuckle my way through anymore and so I turned to people I trusted and have methods rooted in science and ancient wisdom. Woo woo as it may sound, it’s helping. And that’s all I can say, is I have found people I trust to help guide me back to living in the healthiest body possible. Yeah, there are bad moments, I call my friends and family on the verge of tears maybe once a week. But they always pick up, they are my people. And I am building and cultivating a community of like minded, cool, down to earth people in my new home and I am SO GRATEFUL THEY EXIST. There’s a whole lot of ebbing and flowing to this healing journey, I have one week where I think I solved everything, then the next the universe is like “actually no, you didn’t learn everything you needed to from this experience yet” and I am started to meet those moments with grace and acceptance and empowerment. Because I know I have everything I need to heal, it’s a matter of putting everything together and letting nature run its course.

So here’s to meeting those tough moments with grace and love, because it is in those pockets where you learn who you are and what you want because you are willing to fight for it.

All the love and hugs in the world, hope some of this landed xx